“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Monday night, driving home from the Target that blew my mom’s mind all those years ago, a moment of existential crisis hit, soundtracked by Band of Horses.
“The Funeral” does this. “The Funeral” always does this.
Some songs, you can’t listen to just once. Some songs wrap you so tightly in the emotions they stir up that, by the time they end, no chaser will satisfy except that song, repeated.
I fell into that loop in the car, despair building higher as I drove home, but not worrying. My life being what it is, I’ve always been keenly aware of death. I’ve always known it’s an essential part of life, so I’ve never feared it. One less thing to kill the mind.
Once I’d broken out of that loop, I switched to another Band of Horses song, “No One’s Gonna Love You,” and thought about going home and listening to it on repeat while browsing OkCupid matches. I didn’t, but it was a thought. Because we all have our fears, even those of us who no longer fear death.